I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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