I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
