so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
