remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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