Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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