I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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