I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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