Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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