Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
