His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
