I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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