She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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