Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
