I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
