shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
