life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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