Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
