WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
