After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
