I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
