well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
