did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
