Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize