there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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