if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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