I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
