You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
