I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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