she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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