I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
