I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
