I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
