Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize