I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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