I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
