It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just want nice things and good sex
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
