I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
