Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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