Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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