Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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