you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
