I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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