You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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