Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
