The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
