I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
