Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
