Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
