Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
