If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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