youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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