we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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