glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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