So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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