Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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