I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
