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so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
