Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
