My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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